As I sat day in and day out watching Walter in his fishbowl incubator, unable to hold him, I became paranoid that he would suffer psychological trauma from the disruption of the mother-child bond. I came across Dr. Sear's book Attachment Parenting for the premature infant and I was transformed. I went from feeling helpless to feeling empowered. I knew that while I couldn't do the things I wanted to do and was not able to foster a typical mothering role for the first four months of Walter's life, I could still impact his psychological well-being in a positive way.
I remember in nursing school learning about attachment theory, and read about Dr. Prescott's primate research that showed that disrupting the mother-baby bond in primates and aboriginal groups led to violence and fear in the society. My fear for Walter was not having the ability to feel his world was a safe and secure place, especially when he was put through painful procedures every day. There were times when I was so anxiety ridden about leaving him at night that I thought I may need "help", but managed to get through the nights.
Bowlby's attachment parenting theory states that infants have an inate tendancy to bond and feel close to one person, and feels secure when that person is around. Without this bond the child tends to be depressed, hostile, and unable to form healthy relationships in adult life. Dr. Sears book gave me some ideas and tools to use to empower me to feel like I could reverse the negative effects of losing that 4 months of womb-bonding.
7 BABY B's
Baby bonding- we were able to sit at his incubator, touching him gently, reading to him, singing to him, etc for as much time as we wanted. Sometimes this was 6 hours a day, usually it was 12 hours or more a day. I was determined that when the opportunity arose, we would have marathon cuddle times- at least 3-4 hours per session (regardless of numb/broken butt syndrome)
Breastfeeding- helps to develop a bond between the baby and mom- make the mom more easily able to read baby's cues. I pumped by milk every three hours for four months not only to give him my breast milk but to prepare for this intimate and bonding experience. He is a breastfeeding champ and it is time that I cherish with Walter. This is something that only I can do for him and feel so blessed to be able to do this.
Baby wearing- Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the state that they learn the most in. So yes, I wrapped up Walter and wore him while I was cooking, cleaning, out in the yard etc. We spent countless hours a day holding him and wearing him. There was immense benefit to Mark and I as well, we could finally hold him and not be clockwatching for when he had to be put back down. He was so content to be held, smelled so good, and slept so well that it wasn't hard to do at all. It helped to erase all those guilty and inadequate feelings that snuck in during those long months in the hospital.
Bedding close to baby- OK, I'll say it, we have a "family bed". It has always felt like a dirty little secret that I was a little ashamed to reveal, but the more I talk to people, the more I find out that we are not the only people living in the closet about this. It works for us. I am lazy at night and it is so much easier to just plop him on the boob half asleep. Not to mention he has always had seperation anxiety in his own crib, that's how we started the family bed. We would put him down in his crib and once his first sleep cycle was done, he would wake up and realise he was alone and freak out. That's for my next blog post though, the sleep training. So you needn't message me with your "advise" about the family bed, trust me, we have heard it all before and this is OUR issue and OUR decision.
Belief in the Babies Cry- aka I am not a "let him cry it out" type. It doesn't help that with Walter's BPD he starts to cough, wheeze, gag, turn purple and blue if you let him really cry it out. We tried that a couple times, and the trauma it caused him wasn't worth it. There is no such thing as "spoiling a baby", and it promotes him trusting his environment when we respond to his cries. We don't jump up and grab him at the slightest cry. He has the ability to self soothe. But we have become experts in interpreting his cries and know when it is going to escalate to uncontrollable measures. I believe it is important for him to have some independence and self-reliance, but also to balance that with knowing his world is safe and we are here for him.
Beware of the Baby Trainers- those same "let him cry it out people". Oh I have read the books on sleep training and heard all the old advise. Well, we have our own system and it does not involve listening to Walter cry and scream for an hour.
Balance- We are in a constant state of adjusting our parenting style. We are sponges, we take advise, we appreciate words of wisdom. We adjust how things work as Walter gets older and more independent. He cries more now without us intervening, he naps solo in his playpen, and some nights he starts out sleeping alone in his crib if he is sleeping early. Our goal is to have him in his own crib for the whole night, so we are working toward that goal at a pace we can all handle. But that whole sleep issue will be my next blog.
So there it is, the foundation of our parenting approach in this first year.
